An Update.

(Of sorts, I suppose.)

Last summer seems so distant. Shortly after my last blog entry I drove down the Maryland, slapped cash on the table, and bought a new 2022 Shadow 2H slant. I was done with used trailer prices being higher than actual new models and I wasn’t interested in playing highest bidder. In less than 4 hours I was home and the following day trailered Maria and myself to a NACMO ride in Jersey.

Two days later: another two pink lines.

I remember crying to my husband, saying how it wasn’t fair – I just bought the trailer and now I was going to be too fat to ride! Spoiler alert, it was just hormones. Somehow, I got Penny out several times in between the awful first trimester ickiness. I even got out for my annual Halloween ride at the canal.

I rode until 23 weeks, trading the podium for my western before hanging up the saddle begrudgingly. Turns out I did get too round to fit, ha. I snuck a bareback five minute ride on Nakai here and there. Tot nibbled at my shoes and Nakai sighed, humoring me. I had no core strength for Penny.

With only a month left until the estimated D-Day, I’m staring wistfully at my horses, wanting for the first time in my life for spring to arrive.

I can’t wait for Baby K to meet Nakai. I just about bawl my eyes out from happiness when I think about him being her first pony.

I also can’t wait to adventure again with Penny – whether dragging Maria with me to explore new parks or setting out on our own – and hoping this fall will be enough time to get both of us in shape again for a low key LD ride. One of these years I will endurance ride my endurance mare (snort).

Hello, June.

Life is an absolute blur these days.

My work was recently acquired and my weeks are a whirlwind during this transitional period. I accepted an offer from the new company and will be working remotely by the end of the summer. This represents a huge opportunity for me and I am incredibly excited. It seems like everyone is gearing up to head back to the office now that covid restrictions have eased, and I’m going to be enjoying the luxury of my home office and jetting off to the barn during my lunch hour!

Things with Penny have been pretty wonderful. She’s coming along nicely and I’ve been getting some solid riding time in. Maria and I have been getting out as often as possible and enjoying the funny moments we capture on each other’s GoPros.

It’s officially been one year since purchasing Penny. This time last year I was trying her out at Trexler. It was a pretty decent ride despite my old BO’s horse apparently being dangerous in some trail sections. I loved Penny’s movement and her canter was SO SMOOTH! I had also tried out her saddle, a podium, and I bought that as well. The narrow twist took some getting used do but I don’t think I’ll ever go back to another saddle.

The first few months with Penny were confusing and anxious, but looking back she was simply mirroring the poor energy and environment of the barn. I learned a lot this past year about ulcer treatment and management. I also learned that being in close proximity with folks doesn’t actually make them your friends. I saw bits and pieces of this in the years prior, but it seemed to be highlighted after moving the horses.

I occasionally hear funny bits about the apparent villain I am. Whatever makes them feel better about themselves, I suppose. I wish everyone well and want to see them succeed with their horses, their careers and relationships, and their other hobbies. If it bothers them that I’m happy and my horses are thriving, well, that’s on them to unpack why they feel that way.

Trailer shopping has been mildly frustrating – everything is being snatched up before I can shoot off a message! I’ve decided to just purchase new. I’m having fun figuring out what options and setup I’ll need.

And Nakai?

He’s thoroughly enjoying retirement.

Here he is enjoying the early May pasture.

He spends his days lounging about with Penny or Tot, grazing and sometimes acting as a road block when we ride. He turns our circles into squovals and enjoys “chasing” Paisley and Penny on occasion, snaking his neck and head out and trying to buck. His back legs don’t get much air anymore, but it I love that he’s still cheeky.

He nickers acknowledgement to everyone and everything and takes great pleasure at eating quite the hole in every round bale stored by his paddock. Tarps, bailing twine, and fencing be damned – he somehow always manages to find a way. No one has the heart to scold him, either. I swear he knows and gleefully dives in.

I haven’t had much ambition to blog, and probably won’t routinely update until the trailer is delivered and I’m conditioning on a schedule again. Until then, enjoy the summer!

Corona What?

Just as some of the house buying shenanigans calmed down, the weather turned deliciously chilly, and Maria and I were preparing for our annual fall romp Ben came down with a cold. He complained more than he normally does (the man handled chemotherapy better than he does a cold) and in effort to be proactive we shot off for a COVID test.

Rapid tests were unavailable, even for someone who is a post transplant patient. So, we wait.

On day 3 I start to feel crummy.

Day 5, Ben’s results came back and he’s positive for COVID. I haven’t been at work since I started feeling unwell and managed to find a rapid test at a CVS in Bethlehem.

Off I go.

Yup, positive as well.

Sigh.

Fun pony times were tabled and I sent telepathic waves to Nakai and Penny to be good while I was quarantining. Joke’s on me – I think they both love Maria and Adian more than me anyway. They’re darlings and enjoying the fall weather.

Me? I’m sitting outside in the sunshine for a few blessed moments before exhaustion overwhelms and shuffling back inside.

Thankfully, COVID hit Ben mildly and he was feeling much improved by the time I nosedived. I experienced nearly the entirely list of possible symptoms, including the chest pain/pressure and feeling constantly out of breath. The worst, though, is my nose. Sometime around day 4 I lost both taste and smell. The only thing I can smell is a burny sensation. The only way I can describe it is that it feels like I’ve jumped into a pool and snorted water up my nose.

The CDC mandates a 10 day quarantine beginning from the day symptoms occur. At the time of this post, I’ve got another 4 days to go. 6 days down and I’m finally feeling slightly human.

We have no idea where we picked it up. Ben and I are both religious mask wearers when out in public, and we even social distanced at Maria’s excellent Halloween party a couple weeks ago. Last place we were was Wegman’s. Could I have picked it up somewhere between the Lobster Bisque soup station and the Naan bread aisle?

Who knows. I’d rather have had the flu!

Finally: Trick or Trot (In July)!

Last October, Mechele and I attempted to host our first NACMO ride. Unfortunately, Mother Nature wrecked our plans and then did so again at the rain date in December. This is the third time of trying to get this ride going, and now a tropical storm was headed our way. Sheesh.

A week prior we had Marina and Maria attempt our objectives to double check the headings and locations. We revised some clues and only had one “from vs. to” mix-up. Marina located all of the objectives and we felt better about our abilities.

Friday rolls around and with it the torrential downpour from the tropical storm. We gritted our teeth, dragged my husband along, and went to work setting up the objectives. Mechele forgot her towel and I neglected to bring a change of clothes or footwear. Our hopes of staying somewhat dry were dashed at objective 5. It had rained so much that the banks of Nockamixon were fully submerged and we had to cross a small river to get the location. Ah, well. We did have fun splashing about in the water, looking very much like drowned rats. At one point we scrambled up the embankment after placing objective 4, climbed over the guide rail, and took pictures posing as hitchhikers while waiting for my husband to get us.

The last objective we set up was near a group of teens getting high on the peninsula, and Mechele put it in poison ivy hoping it would deter sticky fingers. No such luck – when we checked the objectives Saturday morning that was the only one missing. I hope they broke out in poison ivy…

I set to work setting up our event area while Mechele replaced objective one and ran to number 2 to place the spider clue on the tree. The Four Horsemen team showed up early, and my excitement grew.

We had a big turnout with 16 adult riders, 2 juniors, and a buttload of trailers. Mechele worked her magic and squeezed everyone in. I turned away cars and trucks, asking them to park in a different lot due to the event.

Soon everyone was out on trail and my anxiety grew as the minutes ticked by. Were they finding the clues? How was it going?? Two hours creeped by. Two hours and thirty minutes…

By now Mechele and I convinced ourselves we messed up, riders couldn’t find our objectives, and surely they hate us!

Another 10 minutes go by and we hear hoofbeats. Team The Four Horsemen! I was waiting to be blasted, certain we failed. To our surprise both Jen and LeeAnne exclaim “That was awesome!! Number 5!! Awesome!!” They found all of the objectives! I think Mechele and I both exhaled a huge sigh of relief with Jen and LeeAnne’s approval.

The rest of the teams trickled in over the next couple hours, the majority of them having found all of the objectives. Objective 5 was tricky for a couple teams and another team only found 2 of the 4 on the short course. I was bummed not everyone found them all, but I know that’s sometimes how it goes. Some rides our team is exceptional… and other times we argue over clues, our compasses, and just can’t get our act together.

With COVID putting a damper on the usual luncheon that followed, Mechele handed out small snack bags and we waved goodbye as folks loaded up and left shortly thereafter.

We asked everyone for their feedback and criticism. Scott remarked that this event felt like the old rides and praised us for our correct headings. Dodie advised that we should have put the point value for each objective on the paper so teams would know their worth. Perhaps they would spend more time on an objective that was worth a few more points than another one. Oooh, good idea! Duh!

The last team, all newbies, eventually came back without finding any clues but advised their drink choices made up for the lack of luck. We suggested a mentor for next time and hoped we did not turn them off from the game.

We decided to take down objective 7 before heading home, prompting a lady in the parking lot to inquire. Were we rescuing something? Someone? What’s with the ladder??  Nope, just a pie plate nearly 15 feet in the air. Sorry to disappoint!

Sunday morning we loaded Penny and Rose early and headed back out to retrieve the remaining objectives. By this time Mechele and I were cranky from the weather and lack of personal time (we are both severe introverts). The mares seemed to enjoy themselves, though. Penny had a bit of race brain after hand galloping a couple miles and did one majestic jump/flail over a large puddle. Realizing Rose had vanished down the trail she began to shake. OMG. Surely we’re going to die! No, silly mare, just take a minute and walk through the puddle without theatrics.

Polite walking accomplished, we met back up with Mechele and Rose and had a nice ride back.

Later that evening, I drove back to Nockamixon, again, to grab the bat that we were unable to on horseback. Well. I am 5’3″ if I tease my hair and could not reach said bat. (Ohh, husband…) Poor Ben, he navigated the raspberry pricker bushes and grabbed said bat. Me? I was taking advantage of some of the ripe raspberries. Sooo goood…

Once More

A month ago Ben and I sat curled together on the love seat, Gomez draped heavily over my lap and Mulder sprawled out below. We were making plans for this fall and winter – redoing the back porch, adding more to the kitchen, and browsing flooring ideas. Our contractor managed to seamlessly work with our home insurance and we had just been alerted that the repairs needed from the late May hail storms were given the go ahead. I even booked a little honeymoon over our first anniversary.

Then, Ben’s latest bloodwork showed a worrisome increase in LDH levels. More blood work and a PET scan later revealed what my gut already knew: his cancer was back. I read the results even before the doctor appointment. Knowledge is power; it is control. It is my preferred ammo to hoard. My purse is chronically weighed down by books, endless open browser tabs, and a personal journal which reads more like Ben’s medical chart than my own musings.

The hospital wasted little time and two days later Ben went in for this first round of R-ICE. This new chemo regimen includes a mandatory hospital admittance; the Ifosfamide alone takes 24 hours of continual infusion. Every 3 weeks, my husband will endure nearly 36 hours of chemotherapy. This is on top of the steroids, Rituxan, and three different types of antibiotics in attempt to bolster his immune system and reduce the risk of infection.

Somewhere in this mix, a second opinion from Fox Chase is in the works along with evaluation for the Stem Cell Transplant.

Home projects are now tabled indefinitely, and I had a joy of fighting with our hosts from AirBNB in attempt to obtain a refund as traveling is now out of the question.

Hemingway once reflected, “write hard and clear about what hurts”.

What happens when it all hurts?

Every odd movement my husband makes – a slight grimace, shifting more than normal, a furrowed brow – is cause for alarm. I stiffen, asking what’s wrong. The days of taste buds are numbered now, and I agonize over what to make for dinner. Grocery trips take double the time as I linger in aisles, deliberating on whether I should get one flavor or all three in case one might work. Hand sanitizer lurks in every nook, from the kitchen’s windowsill to vehicle cup holders. I count down the days from his Neulasta shot, making sure we have stock of ibuprofen and Zyrtec to combat the explosion of white blood cells growth. I ask “are you okay” and “can I get you anything?” to the point where Ben shoos me away irritably. Adrenaline leeches into my system each time I ask, steeling myself for the answer. Good days are rare, and sometimes eggshells litter our floors.

I wonder when we’ll be able to start our life in earnest. People comment that this is just a moment in time. Others ignorantly ask when we’re having children.

I don’t know if we can. Chemo murders more than hair follicles and taste buds.

I just want to see the next 5 years with my husband.

And yet, as we were processing and readjusting to our new normal, we find that Ben’s sister and his friends have not only started a GoFundMe but also put together a benefit car show.

I don’t know how Ben and I can ever begin to repay friends and family for their generosity and support. The guilt we both have over this is painful. There are many others who are worse off and whose outlook far bleaker which deserve this more than we do. We are simultaneously so incredibly grateful and embarrassed. Both of us are used to being the ‘helpers’ and it is difficult to realize you’re on the other side of the fence. Words cannot express our gratitude. Thank you.

 

 

 

Pennhurst Asylum [Part 2]

Composing myself in the stairwell with Sarah, we walked out of the Mayflower building to catch up with Ben and the rest of the group as they entered the Philadelphia building to access the tunnel. In reality, the tunnel didn’t look much like a tunnel and instead resembled a concrete hallway that you might see in a parking garage or hospital basement. It was dimly lit by an exit sign, and the end was blocked off by wood pallets signaling the beginning of the Halloween attraction.

You could walk two abreast and there were narrow curbs running along either side. The investigator had the Ovilus out and our group stood on either side of the tunnel facing each other. The investigator told us that their boss, Tyler, spent two weeks down here. He was able to cross some children over and mentioned that the inhuman thing down in the basement also liked to frequent this portion of the tunnel.

The Ovilus captured multiple voices at once and was incredibly hard to understand. The energy in the tunnel was very odd, too. It felt hard to focus and there were a few times I zoned out completely. It looked like other people did the same thing. Many people in our group said they thought they saw a shadow moving back and forth by the entrance. I didn’t see anything. The two Dave’s approached the area to ask questions, and both of them said they felt something touch them gently.

Our last stop was the third floor in the Mayflower building. Small dorm rooms lined both sides of the hallway and opened up into a larger room (similar to how the basement was set up). The investigator here said this floor had been mostly dead all night. No activity on the Ovilus, no EMF readings, and nothing interacted with the trigger item (a small plush dog with little LED lights).

A voice recorder was brought out and a couple different people selected various dorm rooms away from the group to ask questions. During one of these, we heard a loud thump that we all thought was from the individual and the investigator. They replied that it hadn’t been them. A flashlight when on and off shortly thereafter, but we didn’t have any other activity otherwise. The investigator allowed us to explore the rest of the floor which branched out into two hallways like an ‘L’ shape. Some of the dorm rooms had holes in the wall that were big enough for me to fit through. Neither Ben nor Sarah were enthused with the idea of exploring, and the investigator said she wasn’t sure where the holes came from.

With the group session complete, it was now a little after 4am and we were given the opportunity to wander on our own. Sarah wanted to explore the basement further so we went down and branched out. The investigators asked everyone to be quiet and respectful – there were many amateur paranormal investigators who had brought their own devices and technology to Pennhurst. They asked us to keep flashlights at a minimum and to speak softly so as to not disturb the more intimate seances. We did, but it apparently not everyone understood these requests. It completely killed the energy. Suddenly everything felt too restrictive and static-y. There was just too much going on, too much movement, and it made it incredibly difficult to focus.

At one point I lost Ben and nearly 15 minutes later stumbled upon him and an intimate seance. The man conducting it had a myriad of instruments, one of which was on the floor with red, green, orange, and yellow LED lights on it. Their EMF readers were going off, and both the gentleman and Ben took turns asking questions and waiting for responses. It made me giggle – Ben wasn’t thrilled about coming to Pennhurst, but for a nonbeliever he sure got into it.

We left a little after 5am. I was emotionally exhausted and sleepiness hit like a freight train. My dreams were incredibly stressful, although I couldn’t tell you exactly what they were about. The emotions in them were strong and worrisome. I woke up with a nagging feeling the plagued the rest of the day.

I’d absolutely do it again.

Pennhurst Asylum [Part 1]

This year I received an awesome birthday gift – an overnight paranormal investigation at Pennhurst Asylum.

 

Pennhurst was originally known as the Eastern State Institution for the Feeble-Minded and Epileptic, but it quickly became a dumping ground for society’s invisibles. Individuals with mental and physical handicaps were not the only patients of Pennhurst. Immigrants, orphans, and even criminals were housed here. They labeled patients into categories: Imbecile, Insane, Healthy, or Epileptic are just a few.  Pennhurst was quickly overwhelmed and far past it’s original capacity. Patients were often left chained to beds and cribs, clothed only in thin, wispy hospital gowns, and were at the mercy of other patient bullies and overworked nurses and doctors. Physical, mental, and sexual abuse ran rampant.

 

In the 1960’s, reporter Bill Baldini aired a 5 part series on Pennhurst called “Suffer the Little Children”. It exposed the terrible conditions inside the state hospital. By the late 1980’s, Pennhurst finally closed. [Note: you can find this series on youtube.]

It stood empty for years until it was bought privately and partially turned into a Haunted Attraction. There is, however, a Pennhurst Paranormal Society and it has been featured on shows such as Ghost Adventures. We had full access to the Mayflower building and part of the Philadelphia building to access a section of the tunnels.

We arrived at 9:30pm and were quickly checked in and split into groups. The small groups would have intimate vigils on the different levels of the buildings. We started on the second floor of Mayflower. Here, our team leader set up two small mag flashlights set on opposite side of the room (away from everyone else).  Our EMF readers lit up to inquiries about ‘Emily’. Another woman’s name, Hazel, also came through, although no one was sure if this was a previous patient or a nurse. The flashlights turned on and off, seeming to answer intelligently to questions. We also used an item called and Ovilus which uses radio waves to capture what is believed to be spirit communication.

The temperature in the area shifted from mild to freezing in seconds. We sat in a semi circle facing the flashlights with the doorway and hallway to my back. I could hear movement behind me the entire time we were on the second floor; it was if something light was being dragged across the floor. It was no more than a whisper with an occasional crunch, like stones under a boot tread. I also felt terribly sad and teared up a few times. No one else in my group seemed to have the same emotional response. We played duck-duck-goose, and the ovilus faintly picked up ‘duck’ and ‘goose’. The overall impression was that these were children.

From here, we moved downstairs to the first floor and had a different leader (I believe her name was Vicky or Victoria). Sarah, still holding the EMF reader, was asked to pick which area to hold the next vigil. The large room was sectioned off into smaller rooms with painted over brick that only went up 6-7 feet high. Sarah chose the last room on the right.

Instead of leaving the Ovilus available for everyone to hear, the team leader put headphones in and gave it to a gentleman named Dave (there were 2 Daves in our group – this will be important later). She asked him to say any words that clearly came through the device. We asked questions: “Is anyone here with us?” “Would you like to talk to us?” “Do you like it here?” and Dave immediately said multiple voices came through that were hard to understand. One voice, a deeper man’s, overpowered the rest and remained prominent throughout the vigil. Dave said he sounded nasty. At one point, Dave quietly muttered “What the fuck“, jerking his head up and saying “It just told me to kill myself”. When asked if it could touch anyone in the group, the voice replied “Try me” and “Can hurt too”. A creeping, swirling chill only touched certain areas of my body; my thighs, a cheek… the back of my neck. Ironically, the room Sarah picked was the only room with complete windows. The temperature outside was actually much warmer (50+ degrees) and the brick and concrete blocked wind.

After a bit, we moved into another small room. Dousing rods were brought out and Dave squared held them. They also seemed to move and cross over intelligently, and at one point we asked if the rods could spin.  One of the rods spun rather quickly. I’m not sure how I feel about dousing rods as I feel in this instance they could easily be influenced, but it was neat to witness nonetheless.

Our third location was the basement. Part of the tunnel is accessible from here; make a sharp left after descending the stairs and it leads right into it. The basement itself is expansive. One long hallway runs the length and empties into a large room. The large room was originally one of the areas for physical therapy. The rest of the basement was sectioned off into  narrower rooms the ran parallel to each other on either side of the hallway.

The energy down here felt off – oppressive and thick. Sarah immediately mentioned that she didn’t like the vibe and the rest of our group felt spooked. I had a prickly feeling of something lingering just inside the darkened doorways of the smaller rooms.  Our leader this time was a woman who claimed she was a Medium (more on this later). We stood in a circle, a menagerie of children’s toys placed haphazardly on the floor. She mentioned that these were toys people had found in Pennhurst with the exception of a couple visitors brought. The Medium told us that there is a dark energy and spirit that resides down here and dislikes women. She also said that there is something inhuman that likes to lurk in the basement as well. It slinks on all fours and has long fingers. The previous night she worked with a women who mentored under Lorraine Warren. She said the thing ran from the woman all night long.

 

The ovilus was brought out and the same deep voice we heard upstairs on the first floor came through almost immediately. The majority sounded garbled to me, and we heard someone walking around us. I felt tingly and I had an awful lower backache. Ben and I stood across from the Medium in the circle with our back toward the hallway and the doorway to a smaller room. I kept twisting to look back; the hair on my neck stood up and I felt extremely anxious. It’s hard to describe, but even though I couldn’t see anything it felt like something was there. A moment later, Ben says “Something just touched me” and made a movement to show someone had brushed up against his right shoulder.

In this next audio, you’ll hear what was supposedly behind us:

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The energy of our group spiked with anxiety and we moved into the smaller room. More easily understood words came through the ovilus along with moaning and what sounded like a painful “oowwww”. The EMF readers were bonkers. At the end of the room there are two doorways adjacent to each other. I swear I saw feet walk past both. The shoes were black and heavy, similar to thick men’s business shoes.

A small closet was set in the back of the room and we watched the door sway without anyone touching it. The Medium asked a few in our group to go in and check it out with the EMF readers and ask a few questions. As soon as they did, there was a loud bang behind us and a skittering noise. The only thing behind us was the brick wall and an old bicycle.

As we made our way upstairs to rotate again, Sarah and I lingered to see if the Medium needed help with her items. I briefly told her that my mom died at home on hospice and that I used to see shadow things in the periphery of my vision. Were they shadow people?

She shook her head strongly, cutting me off: “no, no they’re not. I’m not sure who they are but they’re not shadow people. And you know what-” she stopped, looking up at me. “Your mom’s not mad at you, you know that? She’s okay. She’s not mad at anyone in the family. She’s angry she went so young and she’s missing out, but she’s not. mad. at. you. Ok? Does she like music? I head music, like whistling. She brings the music wherever she goes. She’s with you quite a lot. Does the name Janet/Jane ring a bell? Are her sister’s named that? It’s coming through with her. She’s waiting for them.” She paused, smiling. “She’s cute; your mom’s really cute.”

A few things here: Sarah organized everything for this event, so there is absolutely no way anyone could have gotten information about me and my mother. At no point did I share any personal information, not even my name. There’s also no way this woman could have known my mother was a band geek, specifically playing the flute for many years. She tried to get both myself and my brother into it, but alas we are severely lacking in the musical gene. Furthermore, I have no idea how this woman could have known my mom has sisters. The Janet/Jane name doesn’t ring a bell. Both my grandmother’s have names that begin with J, but they are not those.

In the stairwell leading from the basement to the first floor, I bawled my eyes out.

Spook 2017

Spook is the best fun ride of the season. Round A Bit 4H club puts it on every year at the Horse Park. It’s assumed that everyone at the barn wants to go (because they always do). I tossed around a couple costume ideas earlier this summer, but nothing stood out.

Then, life happened. Fellow boarders had lameness issues with their horses. Endurance rides were planned, and all of a sudden it seemed as though Maria and I were the only ones going. We totally failed on getting a costume together, and with Maria having an already busy weekend we decided to skip it.

That is, until I caught up with Mechele and Marina. M was no longer going to a ride with Rose, and Marina was free. We decided last minute to go as a team (sans costume) and try our hand in the Friends division. I alerted Maria to the change in plans, but she decided to skip it.

Admittedly, things went much smoother without a large group and costumes. The most exciting part of the day happened when Mechele pointed out the praying mantis hitching a ride on Jasper. Despite terribly muddy ponies we somehow managed to get on the road on time!


Registering and tacking at the park was a breeze. We warmed up in the ring and were the first team out on trail! This worked in our favor as we essentially became guinea pigs for the majority of the stations. The Ghost Buster station was hysterical – they gave us nerf guns and told us to shoot the Marshmallow Man and the Green Slime! It was so much fun that I think we’ll pick up nerf guns for the next farm party. Nerf tag on horseback, anyone?

Rose was coming back from an injury and M wanted to see how she handled everything so we traveled a bit slower than usual. Nakai hasn’t been out with Rose in months, but we were impressed with how nicely they worked together. We found all the items from the scavenger hunt and racked up a bunch of points. Toward the end, we double checked the serpentine trail just in case and found some tires to play on. Nakai managed to squeeze all four feet up there!



I think this is the first year Spook hasn’t been freezing, and it was odd to wear a T-shirt in the middle of October.  We’re waiting for the results, but I think we did pretty well. I look forward to the homemade food every year and was bummed that the chili was barely lukewarm. Ah, well. There’s always next year!

The Hardest Thing

When I was 6, I begged and pleaded with my parents for a cat. My mom rescued a stray that winter who (unbeknownst to us) was pregnant. She had three beautiful black and white kittens in April 9, 1996.

Jake was one of them.


Every night I would pull him out of his hiding spot, throw him over my shoulder, and head to bed. He would wait until my little fists of steel relaxed before making his escape. Whether suffering from the results of Stockholm Syndrome or simply deciding I was alright, over the next 20 years Jake was my shadow, best friend, my “criminal”.

This cat is incredible. He permitted me to teach him to ‘sit’ and kitty-proofed every puppy my family has brought home. For the first 10 years of his life he came and went as he pleased. If I needed him back inside, all I had to do was call his name and he would come out of the woods, meowing the whole way.

I had a second shadow, was never allowed to use the bathroom in peace, and woke up more times than I can remember with a cat smothering my face. As he got older he tormented my brother, howling plaintively at the top of the stairs about the gross injustice of no one feeding him breakfast as 2am. He would wander from room to room, crying at my father and his now wife, demanding to know where I was and when I would be home. No one but me could satisfy him, and when I finally came home I would receive a series of chirps, trills, and baby meows as he talked to me about his day. He’s always been incredible vocal.

He would sit on the half wall in the family room, swatting at people as they walked by. He never use his claws, but he would get you with a solid pat. He loved plastic bags, and it was not unusual to see him cruising through the house, head stuck through a plastic bag handle and him walking along like a bag lady. He was always a terrible sneak – if you caught him loitering somewhere he shouldn’t, he would whip his head around, eyes wide, releasing a loud “M-OW!” and scurry out before you could scold him. He had figured out nearly every door in the houses over the years, and we would often catch him opening them up with a delicate finesse, letting himself (and the dogs) somewhere they shouldn’t.


He’s been through everything with me – three houses, elementary all the way through college, and multiple boyfriends. He was my source of comfort when my mom died, and it was never a question whether I was bringing Jake when moving in when Ben. Jake goes where I go. Jake settled into the new house like the Arrogant Bastard that he was while putting the dog in her place and lording over the furniture. He would stand on the side of Ben’s chair as we ate dinner, a paw raised to wave and occasionally tapping as he begged for food. It was not such a smooth transition with Ben, but before long I would find Jake loafing on top of my boyfriend and receiving two breakfasts after learning to harass a pre-coffee Ben in the mornings. He and Honey reached an understanding, sleeping on the love-seat together and trying to groom each other.

This last year for Jake had been most wonderful. He had my full attention (as well as Ben’s), a brand new home to snoop through, and a dog who tiptoed around him lest she wake the sleeping dictator. He fell in love with our wood stove and would sit on the stones watching Ben start a fire, almost as if he was making sure it was done correctly. He seemed to lose a bit of the kitty senility to seemed to plague him at my dad’s, no longer getting “lost” in the house and his nighttime howls ceased entirely. He was so content.


On Friday, his body seemed to decide that it had enough adventures. His hind end suddenly gave out and Jake was no longer able to walk without assistance, jump, or  use the litter box without my help. He didn’t seem in pain,  just confused as to why he could no longer get where he wanted to go. It was time.

Even in his last hours he was wonderful, gently waking me up when he needed to use the box. He ate close to his body weight in wet cat food, and lounged with me in bed, tucked in my arms. We ran him over to the vet’s in the morning, and I said my goodbye.

I am glad I did not wait. I would rather a moment too soon than a second too late, but my heart hurts so, so much. I am selfishly not ready, and coming home without him was heartbreaking. I should be thankful to have had so many years with him, and I know he had a perfect life. After 20 years, though, the prospect of facing life without Jake is sharply painful. I’ve had many dogs and a few cats over those years, and whenever we had to say goodbye to someone Jake was always waiting at home.

Now, there’s just silence.

I miss you so very much.

Your ashes already have a spot set aside in the reading nook. You spent hours there, sleeping in my chair and basking in the warm sunlight.

One day, I hope I can give another kitten the same grand lifestyle. I hope when he or she takes off down the hall at 2am with the night crazies that you are there, watching and approving.

Until I see you again, my love.